I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Come share oat with me in your robe
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
