wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
