I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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