i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
NoShamevember. You game?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
