He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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