So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
