I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
