If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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