its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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