I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
