Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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