I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
