I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
