i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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