I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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