Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
