Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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