Swine flu. Run for my life!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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