i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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