Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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