i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
