I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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