Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
