remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
