You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
