I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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