Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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