Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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