its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
