you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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