did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
