Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
