His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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