Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
