All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
