never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
