Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
