The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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