My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
