I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
