Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize