I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
