My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
