What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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