I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
