why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
