I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
this boner is exhausting
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
