ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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