Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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