watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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