my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I don't deserve a penis
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
