I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
