did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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