meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My first STD was from a foam party
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
