so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
