I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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