I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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