I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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