there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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