I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
