Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
